Shinjuchan

4/23- I had a feeling this day was coming, but I had hoped it wouldn't...

I’m really not so sure what’s going to become of my 14 years here on DeviantART when the Eclipse becomes mandatary next month, I really don’t. I've tried to use the Eclipse version a number of times now since its first rollout and I have never been able to stay on it very long before toggling right back to the original interface in order to properly find notes, communication, and get my grounding.

I have to be perfectly honest — I can’t guarantee staying. I don’t know.  Perhaps DA intents to listen to our concerns and make improvements to its new layout during this four-week transitional period. I truly don’t know, but I find Eclipse to be currently visually uncomfortable, anxiety-inducing, (for me personally) and unusable.

Everything changes, this is true. What I might do is make my DeviantART a link directing my followers/friends to a new site not yet chosen for my art and Metatisic. I don't truly know what this means and I wish I had a solid answer. I feel kinda numb about this at the moment and I’m hoping that I am just simply not thinking clearly. I don’t like to give up and I also don’t like to cave in.

This might be a death nail. 

P.S. Question in fairness. Do any of you use Eclipse currently and if so, how did you get it to work for you, etc. I truly do want to know.

8/7- I’m not dead, I swear. Although I do keep feeling like I’m just wasting my CORE membership month after month. (Insert convenient “Ug!” face)

Nonetheless, I have in fact been peeking in here I confess. I’ve been logging in, took a look at the new “Eclipse” set up, hated that so I switched back, browsing my notes, journals and new artwork from friends. But I haven’t been posting anything new because I haven’t been drawing. That fact’s reason isn’t quite as cheerful as the first paragraph.

If you recall my last journal, I said that I needed to  "internet detox". That some times you need to just walk away from the electronics and go "off the grid” for awhile. This was true and I had been, but there’s more to it that has been difficult for me to know just how to go about sharing and talking about it. Everyone loses steam from time to time. When your “get up and go” has “got up and went,” when there’s no more “pep” left in your step, sometimes the best thing you can do is just stop trying for a while.

Moving forward feels great, but movement takes energy. When’s the last time you took a break without feeling guilty? ... Well, I felt guilty. I constantly felt guilty. I lost a lot of my motivation when my health took a turn a few years back. At first it was just a slowing--just a bump in the road. I thought I would recover, like a cold or something, and be back as strong as I was before. It didn’t happen... Not exactly. Although I had recovered for the most part, my situation left a lasting, permanent Peripheral neuropathy in my hands, my feet, and most all of my left leg in general. It’s a nerve pain and it’s controlled w/ medication to quell “flare ups,” at least as best as it can.

I couldn’t draw. It was once not uncommon for me to do 3, 4, sometimes 5 pieces a week. Suddenly I had ground to a halt and was lucky if I could squeak out 4 in a whole year! I was angry at myself. I was SO angry! I was depressed. Never in my whole life had Art felt like a chore for me. It had been my go-to comfort for my whole life. Why? Why wasn’t it working anymore?! “What’s wrong with me?!!”

I would be hoping, praying, wanting, wishing, practically BEGGING for my motivation to return--to be anything at all like it had once used to be while all the while wondering where I had lost it in the first place.

We tend to hear and use the word “Depression” so very much in our daily lives that it has become an off the cuff generic term in many ways to describe any time we’re feeling badly. We forgot, I think, how truly real it is. Even I must confess that I did not understand it until it really did happen to me. Depression sucks the life out of you!

I realize that I’ve shared some of these struggles with all of you from time to time, but I know that I hadn’t been completely honest about it neither because I never wanted to fully accept it. I am drawing again, painting. I entered a few new pieces to the 2019 “ACCESS THE ARTS” exhibit at the county fair just a few weeks ago. I need to share those. Just please forgive me if my updates are not as frequent as they once had been.


I want to really thank for tackling this subject perhaps in even far greater depth than I have. Since mine developed from a change in my health as well, it did me a world of good to know I was not alone. I needed to know that. I really did. I’m not alone. Thank You.

1/26- Alright. I think this journal is in good need of an update, what do ya say?

I've been told i take things too hard. And I'm like that sometimes, you know? I suffer these "catastrophe failures" of my world, of my heart, and of my passion and suddenly my interest... that drive, leaves me.  I have a counselor for this. It is  one of the things I see him for every other week so I guess that I have been that way all my life to be honest. It's just the internet that I haven't had that whole time in which to make it all so much more apparent. I could go on and on with this, about all the whys and how comes, but I know already that I've been there before so I'll just save the time.  I've been largely w/ my husband this past year ---and we really needed to be! On the road and away. I needed to  "internet detox". Some times you need to walk away from the electronics and go "off the grid*

That said... *smack!* *Rubs hands together* Yours truly has some brand new doujin coming for all of you down the pipe line as my work will be a part of the 2019 Comiket Japan. I'm already working on some of those panels/storyboard/layout right now as I speak in fact. This will be the first time that I have been a part of this truly awesome annual event since I did DELIVERY MONSTERS Vol. 4 back  2012. This will also be the first time that the event has been scheduled to last for 4 days!

8/21- For someone who was never meant for this world, I must confess I am suddenly having a hard time actually leaving it. Of course, they say every atom in our bodies was once part of a star. Maybe I'm not leaving... Maybe I'm going home.

Oh, is there anything more difficult than finding that one comforting word in such an uncomfortable time? For the moment I am speechless and memories, like paparazzi cameras, are triggered by the most simple and unexpected of words, actions, and even music ... “We’re Number #1"

There is no pain so great as the memory of joy in present grief, Aeschylus said. And right now Stefan Karl is absolutely everywhere and all set to a Thomas Newman soundtrack. Memories of  Cake and dancing. (Drat! foiled again!) My youngest Vada in the living room hopping around to bing bang. There are also personal memories away from the screen and stage that aren’t mine, but were so blessed to have been a witness too of his children, watching their growing up on Facebook, and the incredible love for his wife. Stefan was my age. We were born the same year. In fact I’m older, just slight by about four months. I thought I was prepared for this. He told everyone, I knew the chances were slight, but I’m in shock none the less.

I’m so sorry, Stina. God, I’m bawling! I’ve had to stop a handful of times already to type this. I’m so very sorry. Thank you Stefan for the joy you gave to my children. Constant, dedicated, and loyal joy. Thank you so very much for allowing me to share my art with you, to have you enjoy it and chuckle too. It’ll always mean the world and I can only pray that you know that for absolute certain in the lofts above.

 STEFÁN KARL STEFÁNSSON
July 10, 1975 – August 21, 2018

7/16- It is fair week in Western New York. Yesterday I went up to the Floral Hall to drop of my entries for my 2018 “Access The Arts” exhibit. Judging happened today and then the fair will officially open its gates for the week starting Monday. 

I decided this year to enter in and go for the one prize that I have yet to earn — The George Peterella Award. It is bestowed upon the artist who places first in oils. Because the cash reward that comes with this trophy is so high, you can imagine how stiff the competition is. Also, oil painting has never been my biggest forte. I can do it of course, but I have always generally been a mixed medium artist in doing portraits; relying heavily on a combination of graphite, watercolors, and acrylics. I’ve seen some of my competition already. All I can say is good luck to all of us and may the best artist win.

I will be showing those works here momentarily.