- Well now, I think something a bit more optimistic here is in order, although it doesn’t mean I’m quite out of the woods just yet. More on that in a moment. First, I wanted to thank you all again for your prayers and thoughts. It really does bother me a lot to think how often I have had to request them, as well as for your patience as I dealt with what has felt like a steady stream of blows.
I was in a horrible place emotionally and mentally all over the Fall and holidays. Not even my most favorite holiday of all, Halloween, could cheer me up. If you read my previous journal entry then I am sure you know most of the important details and I won’t have to explain this. It really is shocking how death, even when its not your own, can feel like the end of it all. In our lives I think we are all bound to eventually suffer that one, all-important loss that really does leave you so very shell shocked, questioning your mortality, and making you feel both old and far away removed from your youth and past joys that had been your fuel. It’s almost like you don’t quite do that “Oh, look at the time!” type of reality check. I was still that young, teenage girl with all the time in the world and then in one fell swoop it was all immediately 20 years ago and counting.
Ever heard that term ‘Personal Jesus’
? It’s a little bit more than a Depeche Mode lyric. A personal jesus is that one person on earth that you go to for virtually everything and anything life throws at you. They are your safe shelter, your rock in the life storm, the mortar that just seems to hold it all together. Doesn’t necessarily have to be your lover or even a soul mate, in fact I don’t recall ever consciously choosing William at all. It was a happening. How to explain it? ...It just happened. He was the one. He just became the one and losing him felt like I lost myself, too. You really do wonder how to go on. It was 10 months ago yesterday and only now am I making a real effort move towards ‘how’. Thank you again.
Alright then —The update. At the risk of being so blunt about this, I’m in PT (Physical Therapy) again because back on the 30th I literally lost all feeling in my left arm from the shoulder to my fingertips entirely. Everything felt numb. Since the last time anything even remotely close to this happening was back in around 2008 when I was first diagnosed w/ Guillain-Barré syndrome, I already knew it was related. Although my GB has been largely conquered and in check for 2 years, the syndrome itself has left me with damage that I will most likely carry with me for the remainder of my life ...The damage to my left arm being one of them. I have a contracture deformity. Basically what this is, is my muscles and tissues don’t stretch as they ought to which greatly effects movement and puts a great deal of stress on the joints as a direct result. Apparently all this all came to a head for me on the morning of December 30th. A whole lot of freaking out, an emergency trip to the hospital and my doctor later, I have developed a pretty nasty case of Bursitis in both my shoulder as well as my elbow. I am to rest it for 2 weeks. Well, hahaha! Easy for them to say. I’m left-handed. I haven’t received the appointment just yet, but I’ve been referred to an Orthopedist to see if anything might be done about the underlining issues that are causing this. Really though, I’m amazed by my good spirits about this. I am on a micronutrient rich plan to tackle this holistically and reboot my system. Currently I’m on my 6th day with it and I can't help but to notice the change in my energy and how I feel about this in total. The power of ‘sports candy’.
In closing, I just looked out my window here in the office and excuse my random outburst, but holysh*t, the snow is blowing sideways outside! Last night I probably could have kicked back with a coconut w/ how mild it was. Course you know it’s all a lie from old man winter who I’m pretty sure is about to kick our a*sses here in Western New York. All the melt and rain last night is already icing and one hell of a powerful lake effect band is in our future ....Batten down the hatches! Normally I would suggest a retreat south, but this cold mass seems to be plunging right down into the deep south. When New Orleans is 33 degrees, it’s frick’in COLD